The alt.religion.monica Saibi FAQ - Brian Chung
Date: 6 Apr 1994 16:03:22 GMT
The Official alt.religion.monica Frequently Asked Questions
Third Edition
compiled by Tae Hyun Brian Chung
Please send all corrections, additions, calling card numbers and
evidences of Monica's miracles to [email protected].
Foreword to the Third Edition
It REALLY has been a long time since the Second Edition was published.
The realm of ARM has gone through much changes since then, and the
previous edition has become quite obsolete. There have been frequent
demands for an updated edition, but the author has been quite busy
with the school work, trying to find a job, and chasing down the
pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
But despair no more. The Third Edition has been finally completed.
It now includes all the new characters and has more bite and
sarcasm and my sense of humor. And if you don't like it, call
any one of those phone numbers from the lawyer ads that you see
on Channel 5 past midnight.
This edition represents reality as viewed by T. H. Brian Chung.
Any resemblance to people living, dead or undead are purely intentional.
Any reproduction of all or portions of this FAQ without an express
written consent of the author is strictly forbidden under some
statute in some country, and the author will chase down that bum
and make him or her pay treble damage, unless that person promises
to say nothing about me during the Senate Judiciary Committee
hearings.
The author would like to thank the following individuals for their
contribution to FAQ:
James Choi ([email protected])
Haemin Park ([email protected])
W. Woody Jin ([email protected])
Kevin Gyu-Sik Gior ([email protected])
Yoda ([email protected])
Andrew Taeyon Kim ([email protected])
Nancy Nari Kwak ([email protected])
Doctor Mindy Lee ([email protected])
The Seung Clan (hseung@*.*)
1. Introduction
"Who are these people? What's the matter with them? Don't they have
anything better to do? Get a life!"
Such were the words of one frustrated reader of sck. Therefore,
In the tradition of the Hangul FAQ floating around the Korean
net somewhere, and in the tradition of other FAQs in general, I have
decided to write up a soc.culture.korean inside joke FAQ. There are
some people on soc.culture.korean who are classified as "frequent
contributors" who have been around this newsgroup since writing was
invented somewhere around Mesopotamia. These people, due to their
great age and wisdom, have developed their own language separate
from the rest of the net, known as inside jokes. For those who
are not "frequent contributors," who, by the way, also do not
receive double mileage on weekdays, these inside jokes may, at first,
seem alienating. Then as they spend more and more of their time
on the net, they will catch the drift of the jokes and actually
start using them. However, there are those who have life and
have better things to do. Thus, I took pity on them (mu jin baek
sung deul eul uh yuh bbi yuh gyuh...), and created this FAQ so that
they may use this as a reference when reading and writing an article.
At this point, I would like to stress that this FAQ is not to be
used to impersonate a "frequent contributor." After all, as an old
saying goes, "It's not the joke, it's the way you tell 'em!"
Part I
Dramatis Personae
3. Who is James Choi?
No discussion on ARM would be complete without an article
by James Choi. He is truly the gam-cho of ARM. He is in a state
of semi-retirement lately, supposedly working on this vaporware
musical known as Arch of Triumph. However, one can make a sure
bet that he will continue to frustrate Matt Dick's efforts to
physically and psychologically threaten James into actually
writing some musical notes down. He suffers from JUMP, and
looks like Suh Se-won, a famous Korean comedian. He claims
that he looks threatening with his hat and shades, but you can
make your own judgment. His pictures are floating around somewhere
in a gif form. He is the only one so far who has witnessed the
miracle of Monica in the form of a free trip to Japan where he
will meet a Japanese porn star named Katahira Nagisa. He claims
that he does own a perfectly working bang-mang-i.
4. Who is Andrew SH Kim and why does he quote so much?
The man with thousand quotes and even more ways to spell
his name. Ask him a question, and he will answer you in several
different languages, including Klingon. He has been known to
quote from anyone that ever walked on the face of this planet.
There are dark rumors among the ARMers that Andrew
SH Kim is not really a human being, but a cleverly written
daemon that checks for keywords in a posting then quotes from
a CD-ROM library. He is also the chief Christianity officer and
the chief woo-er of women. He has written several excellent articles
about how to woo women by using his incredible CLUB. However, it
has been empirically proven that Glenda is not impressed by this
show of his manliness.
5. Who is Brian Chung and what's with this net.god crap?
Me. The chief legal counsel for ARM. I'm just trying
to survive my first year at law school. I am also the head of
the Geek Society of New York. I am on a permanent vacation from
contributing to ARM or SCK. But if you send me a good bottle
of wine or Jack Daniels, I might change my mind.
6. Who is Woody Jin and why does he sleep with a cow?
Woody Jin is a bovinetic algorithm researcher down
in Texas. Just finger his account to see what kind of
disturbing individual we are dealing with here. I will discuss
cows later, but when you need Woody's advise, just moooooooo!
7. Who is Monica Chung?
NOT my sister, that's for sure. Other than that, the
only thing we know comes from some apocryphal tales told
during stormy nights. She came like a comet, left with the
wind, and came back again. As far as I can tell, she is
an intellectual equal of Andrew SH when it comes to quoting
obscure German authors. She's also known to be attracted
to kkeubeung-is on the net. She has been named the official
Venus of sck. Alt.religion.monica is a newsgroup proposed
by me and taken seriously by Hyunsuk.
8. Who is Kevin Gior?
Although his last name doesn't sound like Korean, he, indeed
is one. And thankfully, he is not related to Scott Horne. I will
discuss the evolution of Cho to Gior later. He is our official
Canadian liaison and the originator of the sentence, "Mom knows best!"
9. Who is Byungtae Lee?
Mr. Status Quo. None of this 'change' crap gets past
him. Try attacking something that Korean government did within
past 45 years and see what kind of response you get from
Byungtae. He is also an associate professor at U of Texas. He
also claims that he has retired from writing on the net, but everyone
knows he's addicted and can't quit.
10. Who is Stephen Epstein?
Token Jew. :) :) :)
11. Who is John Milburn?
Token white man. :) :) :) He can throw a lot of technobabble
by you faster than you can make an electron go around the storage ring.
12. Who is Kwangyl Bark?
Our chief ideological officer and official liason to the party.
Mention Marxism and he'll be more than happy to set your thinking
correctly.
13. Who is yong-mi?
Goddess of the Church of Subgenius and talk.bizarre. Ask her
about the way she spells her name!
14. Who is Hyunsuk Seung?
He is the official chef of ARM. He is supposedly studying at
KAIST, but in actuality, he is working on the recipe for the
greatest chung-guk-jang in the world. He has also managed to
convert several people into Monicaism on KIDS.
14a. Who the heck are all those Seung clan members?
Branch Davidian. Waco. Need I say more? Seriously,
they are members of the Seung Ninja Clan who disguise themselves
as children (Sue Me) and visit pojangmacha illegally. They also
like driving buses.
15. Who is Dwight Joe and what's his problem?
He is actually a spineless jellyfish living in and around
Stanford University. His preferred habitat is soc.culture.japan
and soc.culture.asian.american. He seems to have a problem facing
reality when his 'mistakes' are pointed out. Generally an
annoyance than a serious threat to humanity as we know it. However,
he has retired from his annoying profession. I suppose this
is the second miracle of Monica.
16. Who is Daeshik Kim?
The grand master of hangul related questions. Any questions
about Hanterm and other hangul related software will not go unanswered
by this generous soul. I am sorry that I left out this technical
wizard from my first edition. But I am even sorrier that he actually
made it onto my FAQ!
17. Who is Youngsup Park?
He used to post all those "News from Korea" in the format
that mere mortals cannot read. To be able to read what he posts, check
with the God of Hangul, Daeshik. I would like to write something funny
about Youngsup, but that involves my typing in KS-102-ISO-ZZ-Top format,
and without my special decoder ring, I cannot do that.
18. Who is Scott Horne?
An ex-Chinese communist from Yale. He is to soc.culture.china
what Dwight Joe is to soc.culture.japan. He is also the only man who
managed to provoke James Choi into swearing on the net. Quite an
accomplishment and for that, he deserves a mention in the FAQ.
Unfortunately, we have not heard from him in a long time, and it seems
his net access is dead and gone.
19. Who is Rikiya Asano?
He is an elementary particle known as anti-Dwighton. I would
have very much liked to see him and Dwight go on about Japan, but
before we could have that honor, someone pulled the plug on his
net access. Tsk, tsk. I will miss the debate on Freedom of Speech
with other netters. He does owe me money for my legal defense.
20. Who is Nancy Kwak?
She was Lorena Bobbitt before there was Lorena Bobbitt.
She and her Ginsu knife have corrected mistakes committed by God.
She is currently teaching her Ginsu knife skills in New York City.
She is the one of two people that Deanna likes. I do believe she
will get a job as a babysitter when she graduates.
21. Who is Youngwhan Lee?
The leader of the atheist movement in sck. Normally, the
net.gods will rain fire and sulpher upon him for being a heretic,
but he hides under the protection of science. He holds another
distinction for being the proud owner of Monica. When challenged
by other hormonally-disadvantaged, high-fat dieting, and deadly-
sperm-building Korean males, he simply declared, "The war of
ownership is over. She is mine."
22. Who is Mindy Lee?
That's Doctor Lee to you! She is a Ph.D., bass player,
Sculptor, wine connoisor and rock climber rolled into one. I owe
her a bottle of wine, but I hope nobody reminds her of that.
Her page on Linda Kim's black book is folded for the moment. She
is also known for her interesting use of TAB keys when posting.
A mortal enemy of Andrew Taeyon Kim, she has defeated him and shamed
his school.
23. Who is Andrew Taeyon Kim?
He is a Jean-Luc Picard impersonator, father of Deanna
and husband of Linda. He suffers from a serious affliction known
as Yankees Fan Syndrom. Every year, he screams, "What's wrong
with Melido Perez!!!!" However, I should not be so mean to him
since he fed me at one of the Geek Society Meetings. He is the
only one with real life among us.
24. Who is Linda Kim?
The owner of the black book where all eligible male and
female names are entered and matches are made according to a
certain dubious AI. Great cook. Great painter.
25. Who is Deanna Kim?
The first member of the ARM: The Next Generation. She
has learned to say "mama." But to Andrew's chagrin, she hasn't
said "dada" yet. She hates me. But she does like Haemin and
Nancy. The cutest little baby who sucks on her own toe. She
will become a Blue Jays fan in about five years, and then she
and I will rule the universe together.
26. Who is Haemin Park?
The resident doggaebi of ARM. He has been busy getting
ready for real life, but he will be moving to NYU, and consequently
be the chief babysitter for Deanna. Watch out for his hot Spanish
blood, though.
27. Who is Matt Dick?
The Cardinal of Kremlin...uh..I mean, of ARM. He is also
deluding himself into thinking that Arch of Triumph will actually
be done within this millenium. He is working for Motorola designing
the next generation of CPUs that will replace the need to flame
people. These Flame-Ready 68080s will automatically place epithets
in his follow-up postings to James's articles, eliminating the need
to threaten James by hand.
28. Who is Gwan Von Champaign?
The most annoying character on ARM. He looks like a
normal human being in the picture, but that's what they said
about Justice David Souter, too. He claims that he would like
to be placed in people's KILL files. Creator of the anatomically-
correct picture of Hwangeum Bakjui. I think he needs to get
married and have kids.
29. Who is John Neantrour?
The unsanctioned sage of KRI. He dispenses occasional
words of wisdom to those who seek the blessings of Monica. He
is related to Uncle Vito and help people get a discount rate
on dismemberment. He doesn't know that most people begin their
names with a capital letter. So don't anyone tell him.
30. Who is Andrew Tack?
He's stuck in Edmonton. He is an EE. He writes way too
much on the Usenet. Those three things actually are closely
related to one another. He also seems to have a fixation with
drawing things. He needs a life.
31. Who is Henry Chon?
He managed to get out of Canada. Now, he's stuck in
Georgetown. He will give out calling cards to those who ask.
32. Who is Jonggu Moon?
He managed to get out of the United States. Now, he's
stuck in Germany. He can quote from Monty Python and Sartre at
the same time. Seems to be a better version of Andrew SH Kim
Daemon. He also makes great Christmas Cards. His travelogue
may be found in ARM from time to time.
33. Who is Chris Barrera?
He calls himself the Snowman. Whether it is an
abominable kind or not is open to debate. He hates cold weather,
so what he is doing in Michigan, nobody knows. He also has a
tendency to draw on ARM, but it's not as prevalent as Andrew Tack.
34. Who is E-man?
Also known as Scott Choi, the Pontifex Maximus. He claims
he is stuck in KRI's freezer. Dances like an elephant, stings
like a bee? He usually cleans up after his bro's mess. He knows
several good Brazilian dishes.
35. Who is Glenda?
Ms. Romantic. Tough to get. CLUB won't work. Makes
great brownies. Need I say more?
Part II.
1. high-quality postings
An amorphously defined term, usually refers to a whining posting
that lacks internal consistency and contributes nothing to the discussion
at hand. Originally defined by Hyung Woo, it was later adopted by the
rest of the net after James Choi's crusade on behalf of Hyung Woo's
cause.
2. high-fat diet
The main cause of DSB. Used whenever someone writes a horny article.
3. DSB
Deadly Sperm Build-up. The main problem Westerners have because of
their fat-rich diet. Easterners don't suffer from it, according to the
original poster.
4. donation
*.*
PO Box 1555
Chicago, IL 60690
5. calling card numbers
Something one should give out to the rest of the ARM readers if
one is considering to become a 'frequent contributor.' James also takes
these. The use of calling card numbers as an inside joke originated
when Hank Chon, Mr. Romantic, posted that he once gave out his calling
card number to a friend. (he wasn't even going out with her!) Ever since
then, we have been asking Hank for the privilege of being his "friend."
You will notice that Hank Chon is not included in the dramatis personae.
That's because he has abandoned us in the middle of the night like a
stereotypical Korean male abandoning his wife for Miss Kim at the sauna.
I'll put him back when he comes back to us. But until then, he doesn't
get to see his kids.
6. midnight snack (or any other food)
A sure-fire bait to draw Hyunsuk out to a thread. A mere mention
of food will make him discuss issues in making kimchi bokumbab and ghomtang
and seulleungtang and... You get the idea.
7. Why are there so many Seungs from UPenn?
It is rumored that the Seung clan have bribed the admins of UPenn
to allow their sons and daughters to get into that university. More
notorious members of Seung clan are Hyunsuk, Rachael and Roland. Other
members of Seung clan are Malja, Hu Poong, and Ho Dor. But they are
illegitimate children begotten from a 'chub' (mistress) and thus they
do not have the last name, "Seung." For more information on the Seung
clan, you should ask Hyunsuk for a copy of TOS Party FAQ. Also
see above, Seung Clan.
8. Why are there so many Chois around the net?
This rumor has been shot down even before I can develop it into
a full-blown inside joke. Scott, you are a spoilsport.
9. kkeubeung-i
Once again, the sacred words of Monica grace us. Kkeubeung-i
refers to the Korean male on sck. According to Monica, they are not
collaborators and they don't bribe their way into colleges. A kkeubeung-i
is an ideal husband, unlike a stereotypical Korean male. This term
was used by Monica in her sacred poem dedicated to all kkeubeung-is on
the net. May peace be with her.
10. "Who are these people? What's the matter with them? Don't they have
anything better to do? Get a life!"
A sound advice.
11. "It may be important to you, but don't bother me, please!"
See #10.
12. "I know this newsgroup is usually full of crap..."
An astute observation.
13. Choi Jinsil
The official femme fatale of ARM. Usually causes excessive
drooling in non-kkeubeung-i males making their keyboard stick and
unable to type.
14. Katahira Nagisa
The other femme fatale of ARM. Worshipped more prevalently
in Chicago area.
15. mae/punishment
Something James needs more of, according to Woody. :) :) :)
This joke was actually a paraphrasing of James vs. Woody SCK Heavyweight
championship discussion on the use of punishment in Korean education
system.
16. swearing
A nice convenient way of getting attention, but only shows
that one did not have a proper upbringing, unless you are saying
"you, ignorant slut." By the way, this "you, ignorant slut" bit
is another in-joke. So, now we have a recursive in-joke. As
Dennis Miller once said, "Stop me when I start sub-referencing."
17. What is all this -cu, -ci, -ge thing that Dwight Joe writes?
This is just a nice convenient way for Dwight to write
his posting and confuse the living daylights out of the rest
of the net. It also provides a nice background for Dwight's
racism.
18. stereotypical Korean male
This doesn't pertain to us, kkeubeung-is on the net. A
stereotypical Korean male will go out drinking every night, come
home and beat his kids and wife, have his wife bring water to
him, etc. Such man is also likely to whine on the net about the
lack of high-quality postings.
19. What's the deal with Kevin's last name?
Kevin was born with the last name, Cho. However, during
the sixties, he went out travelling across the world to find
himself. While he was visiting Tibet, he ran across a Buddhist
monk who advised him that if he does not change his last name,
he will never obtain nirvana. So, he changed Cho to Gior. It
turned out that the Buddhist monk was really a drunk incarnation
of the triune god playing a cruel joke on Kevin, but the last
name stuck, and there's nothing he can do about it! Bwahahaha!
20. ecological balance theory
This has nothing to do with Al Gore's book or the spotted
owls. This is a theory advanced by James Choi that Korean people
should not limit themselves into mating and breeding with their
own race, but go out and intermingle with the other race. This theory
was initiated by James Choi so thta he will not have to compete with
other Korean males to date attractive Korean girls. James says,
"Young Korean men, go out to the jungle where the ecology is balanced.
Where you actually may end up is not my concern. Just get out there
and don't come back." Personally, if I can find a woman who looks
like Choi Jinsil, I'll marry her regardless of her race. :) I will
have to compete with John Milburn for that, though. :)
21. maturity check
An idea advanced by a mature and not naive reader of sck. He
gave a piece of good advice to us, youngsters, we should be "ethical"
if we decide to post anything and if we are under 25. He believes
that we have to be older and more mature in order to discuss policial
and sociological issues on the net. Otherwise, we end up spreading
naive ideals. I defer to his wisdom.
22. triune god
In the beginning, there was James. He separated light from
darkness. Then Andrew appeared on the sky to spread the words of...
well, just about anyone from Wagner to Han Yong-un. James saw
this and thought it was good. Then they begot Brian. The trinity
of James, Andrew and Brian is the foundation of all belief in sck.
Monica doesn't belong here, but she is a class by herself. She is
the embodiment of Sophia and Lillith.
23. Cows
"I like to drink a cup of 100% Cow-lombian cow-fee listening
to Her-bull-t von Cow-rajan's moo-sic.
Bull-in Philhar-moo-nic Or-cow-stra sounds just enor-moo-s!
In fact, I like cow-puccino better, since it has more cow-ffein.
I'm al-cow-holic."
-W. Woody Jin
24. Wiping the road
This is a literal translation of the Korean phrase "do rul
ddak nun da" or in English, "to meditate." This originated from
one of our musings on Konglish phenomenon. All those sck netters
who wipe the road regularly stand a good chance of achieving
nirvana and being inducted to the SCK Hall of Fame located in
Abgujung-dong, Seoul.
25. Ginsu Knife
The official surgical instrument of ARM. May be purchased
through Dr. Kwak for a small fee.
26. bang-mang-i
Something to keep away from #25.
27. CLUB
You can use this to secure your car or to woo women. A
truly marvelous item.
28. Arch of Triumph
Vaporware.
29. Phantom of the Opera
Everyone's favorite musical about a dirty old man trying to
woo a beautiful girl. Hm, sounds like ARM to me.
30. KRI
Kkeubung-i Research Institute. The most hallowed institution
of Monicans. This is where the e-man is preserved in all his glory.
Move over Chairman Mao.
31. Jimmy Page
James Choi's hero.
32. High School Sunbae and Hoobae
Way too complicated for me to outline here. But I think
it goes something like James is a sunbae to Andrew who is a hoobae
to Scott who is a sunbae to Snoopy who is a hoobae to Sean Connery
who speaks Japanese with a peculiar accent.
33. Chicago
The second holiest city in Monicanism. There is a
Burger King where one can worship and eat plastic cups.
34. New York
The holiest city in Monicanism. I am here. I am
the Imam and the Rabbi. I am the Sanhedrin and the Inquisition.
The Mets still suck.
35. Berlin
The third holiest city in Monicanism. Seems to
be filled with people who don't speak English and some Korean-American
researcher who speaks baby German.
36. James's Body
The most frequent subject at the Geek Society Meetings.
37. Geek Society
Founded by me, Nancy and Andrew, we worship Monica in New
York. We know one another by our secret handshake and the Geek
Code imprinted as a bar code on our forehead.
38. JUMP
James's Underlying Mentality Problem. It's derivatives
are DUMP (Dennis's UMP), BUMP (Brian's UMP), MUMP (Moon's UMP),
PUMP (Park's UMP), KUMP (Kim's UMP), etc.
39. Long Island Iced Tea
No, Mindy, I did not get drunk.
40. Kimchee Breath
More important than our girl/boyfriends.
41. 015B
The official musical group of ARM.
42. My Suiteroom
The official hotel room for those who are making pilgrimage
to the most sacred city.
43. Flame
Fuck you.
44. Lawyers
Generally easily irritable and annoying bunch. This
country is in good hands.
Again, contribution, additions, corrections, constructive
criticisms should be sent to [email protected].
T. H. Brian Chung | Happiness is...
[email protected] | "Tea, Earl Grey, hot."
H706E East Campus, 411 W. 116th St., New York, NY 10027
GL/P d++ p--(+) c+ l-- u(-) e++(jd) m*(k) s/- !n h f+ g+ w++ t++ r- !y